I see the MAN-THING movie was a straight-to-Sci Fi Channel disaster. After ELEKTRA and BLADE: TRINITY bombed at the box office, surely that's it for Marvel movies?
Au contraire, my friend. There is no end in sight. Marvel's man in Hollywood, Avi Arad, plans to keep schlock auteurs like David S Goyer and Mark Steven Johnson in PlayStation games for a little while yet. Marvel has signed a deal with Paramount for up to ten new movies in the next eight years.

Ah, so it's licensing business as usual for Marvel, then?
Not quite. The deal is for Paramount to distribute the movies, but Marvel is going to produce them, instead of farming the work out to such inexperienced amateurs as 20th Century Fox and Columbia.

Aren't movies a little pricey compared to the sort of thing Marvel's used to?
Have you seen the pretzel bill Joe Quesada runs up at San Diego? No, it'll be fine, Marvel has over half a billion dollars to throw at Hollywood.

Really? Where did that come from?
Backhanders from the anti-smoking lobby.

Gasp!
No, I jest. They made all that money from Hulk Hands. Marvel says it will spend between $45 million and $180 million on each film.

So what does $45 million get you in today's Hollywood?
Dr Strange and Wong, swilling Pinot Noir on a tour of California wine country. They're calling it STRANGEWAYS.

Nice. And what does $180 million get you?
VAN HELSING.

Oh dear. But Marvel has done great business with the SPIDER-MAN and X-MEN movies, so it must be looking pretty good for them?
It would if they could make SPIDER-MAN and X-MEN movies, but they can't, they don't own the film rights.

Ah. But what about...
Nor do they own the rights to the Hulk or the Fantastic Four. Or even Daredevil or Elektra. They don't even own the Nightstalkers anymore. If you've already seen the characters in a film, Marvel won't be using them.

Oh. So who does that leave?
Captain America. Nick Fury.

Wait, I've seen those characters in movies too! David Hasselhoff was Nick Fury. JD Salinger's kid was Captain America!
Ah, yes. The rights to those characters have reverted to Marvel. As near as we can tell, no one put up a fight. Think of it like THE PUNISHER, where they made that really awful movie with Dolph Lundgren in the 80s...

And then made an even worse movie with Thomas Jane?
Which made the Dolph Lundgren movie look good. Exactly.

That doesn't bode well. Does Marvel still own the rights to anyone else?
The press release mentions... Captain America. Oh, and... er... Nick Fury.

So that's it?
Oh no, that's a drop in the ocean. Marvel claims it owns 5,000 characters. Of course, a lot of those characters are folks like J Jonah Jameson and Aunt May, and Marvel can't use them either. But there must still be about 4,900 characters they can use.

Like who?
Rocket Racer.

Who?
Young Robert Farrell designed his own rocket-powered skateboard so that he could commit crimes to pay his mother's medical bills, but after a few run-ins with Spider-Man, he... oh.

So they can't use Rocket Racer either?
They can, if they remove all mention of Spider-Man.

I'll pre-order my tickets now. Who else have they got?
Rocket Raccoon. An interplanetary explorer with a striking resemblance to a laser-gun-wielding raccoon, who...

Are you just picking these names out of the Official Handbook to the Marvel Universe?
Er... yes. I only have one volume. 'Richard Rider to Sidewinder'. But it's the Deluxe Edition! I tried to buy a complete set off Ebay, but Avi Arad sniped me. His need is probably greater than mine.

Yes. Well, I suppose it's good news for Stan Lee, at least. Will he be adding to his acting credits as 'Hot Dog Vendor', 'Old Man At Crossing' and 'Man Dodging Debris'?
Now that he and Marvel have kissed and made up over the Spider-Man lawsuit, almost certainly. And if you thought 'Man Dodging Debris' was a challenge for the octogenarian ingénue, he gets his first 'name' role in this summer's FANTASTIC FOUR movie - as mailman Willie Lumpkin. Who knows what the future holds for this acting giant? Perhaps he could be the new Nick Fury?

He could be George Lazenby to Hasselhoff's Sean Connery?
And if that doesn't kill Marvel movies, nothing ever will.

Hector Reeder is an expert.

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